Healing is a process

Hey everybody! It's Jackie. I figured that since this is a website all about my sister, I should probably post something.... I'm hoping that maybe this will help others and possibly even help me. So here goes!

I just want to kind of share my story as far as the process that God is taking me through as I'm grieving the loss of Nicole. As you know, Nicole died rather unexpectedly two weeks ago. Mom texted me early in the morning that she was having seizures and trouble breathing and we all just assumed she would pull through, like she always does. But a little over 24 hours later, I got the phone call I'll never forget. Bless my dad for having to tell me over the phone, that's probably the hardest thing he's ever done.

My first reaction was just complete and utter shock, I literally melted to the floor wailing. I didn't understand how she could have died, not now anyway. You see, just last year, God began to reveal to me and to several others, that he was going to heal Nicole (which in many ways he did bring healing before she died) but I always believed it would be on earth. And all my life, probably my biggest desire was to see her be healed and completely normal. And I had complete faith that God would do just that. As January came this year, I had heard a lot about 2009 being the year of fullness, the year that God is going to give you the desires of your heart, the things he's promised you long ago. I believed this year very well could be the year Nicole would be completely healed, which is kind of ironic (but that's just how God is), because she was, just not the way I thought she would be.

So the first week after Nicole died was a mix of mourning and rejoicing. I would go through periods where I would be extremely happy because I know she is more free in heaven than she ever would have been here on earth. And then I would go through periods of sadness because I knew things will never be the same again and I will miss Nicole. Funny thing is, I thought that after a week of crying, I would automatically be back to normal, no broken heart anymore, totally happy-go-lucky like I had been after coming back to school in January. Boy was I wrong. I came back to school and was hoping so badly that everything would go back to normal. In some ways it did, but I was not the same anymore. I thought I could try to hide my brokenness by focusing on the good things God was doing through all of this. I was and am still so excited about what God is doing here at school and in my life, but at the same time, my heart hurts. I thought other things in my life were causing me to feel down, but after spending some time in Redding this past weekend, I realized that I'm still in a process of grieving.

Healing takes time. It's a process. This is something I'm learning day by day. The hardest thing for me has been letting go of disappointment. I've been let down in my life before, but nothing to this extreme. Ever since I was little, I used to wonder what it would be like to talk to Nicole and just be sisters. And when I felt God telling me he was going to heal her, so much hope grew inside of me. It was like we were expecting a baby. I wanted to know what it would look like to have a sister who could do normal things. I wondered what she would like to do, what would her likes and dislikes be. So when it finally sunk in that I'm never going to see her in that way this side of heaven, a lot of disappointment came, and it's still something that I'm struggling with. I've been asking God why she died, and how do I get through this? I've been hurt before, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of disappointment. Will I ever hope again?

I can't say that I've gotten a really good answer from God, because I haven't. All I feel is his presence around me and I hear his whispers that everything is going to be alright. Really no answers to my questions will help that much, I know that one day I will look back and this will all make sense, but right now, all I know is that God is good no matter what my circumstances, even if I don't understand. Someone reminded me today about the story of Lazarus and how even though Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, he was overcome with emotion when he came to see Mary and Martha after Lazarus was dead. Mary and Martha had different reactions, but Jesus comforted them both in the same way. It's the shortest but most profound verse. Jesus wept. The person I was told me, "Jackie, you need to cry."

I really needed to hear that. I'm the type of person that tries to find the best in every situation and I believe that God works through the bad to bring good things into our lives. But I'm realizing that it's ok to just hurt. It doesn't mean that I focus on the bad things, it just means that I don't pretend like everything is ok. It's normal to grieve, and it's something that as bad as I want to, I can't just skip over. I don't have to hold it together all the time and try to be the one always making light of the situation. Sometimes life just isn't fair and we need to cry. So really, Jesus doesn't have to say anything, he just wants me to cry and know that he's crying too.

So this is sort of the conclusion I've come to. I don't know when this pain will go away and I don't know if I will ever know why all this has happened. All I know is that my heart just plain hurts and the only way to find comfort is to cry. I know God will take care of the rest. I'm reminded of 1st Peter where he talks about being tested by the fire so our faith will shine like gold, because he's preparing us for the glory around the corner. I just have to rest in him and for once admit that I don't have answers. Though it's hard now, something greater is coming. It's hard because I don't know what my biggest desire is anymore, but it's something that God and I will have to work on...

Looking back on the past month, even year, I'm amazed at how God has moved in my life and how perfect his timing has been... I wouldn't have been able to handle all of this if it had happened even just a few weeks earlier. And as crazy as it sounds, I know that this had to happen in order for God to use me the way that he wants. The loss of Nicole is something I will always carry with me and I have to believe that somehow God is gonna use this experience to bring healing in other's lives. So these are just the thoughts that have been going through my mind as God has been taking me through this process of healing. One day this will all make sense. And when it does, what a glorious day that will be! Til then, I will cry as much as I need to and trust that it's all gonna be okay. That's all I really can do :)